Shoes

January 20, 2015
Its absolutely soul shattering the way that grief works.  One moment it's quiet background noise, still there, but the breath isn't quite as heavy and the silence not as loud, and then the next you're back in the middle of the hurricane.  Today has been a day of many twisters...I woke up okay, and then I got a package from a very dear person in my world...in this package was a scrapbook...first I thought that the scrapbook was empty, because there was also an envelope full of pictures, I thought, "Oh how sweet a "busy" project."  And then I opened the scrapbook...it was filled from beginning to end...and it's the most beautiful thing...to know the love that was put into building it for me...so I cried, both at the memories contained in the pages, and at the love that I felt from it's maker.  Then, I was okay for a bit again...took Khaily to the dentist, did some light housework, and then I found out what my power bill is, and was back in the world of "WHY CANT EVERYTHING JUST STOP FOR A SECOND?!"  And then I was okay again...did laundry, straightened my hair.  Then, I walked into the playroom to find Khaily asleep on the floor, and as I walked out I passed our shoe box....and I paused....as I looked at the tiny shoes that will never again run through the grass, the boots that will never get to run through a field or ride a horse through a pasture, the sandals that still look brand new...the dress shoes that won't see another wedding...and it's the worst part of the day.  The tears flow so freely when I look at her things...there's things I look at every day that have become part of the routine, I still peek in her room every night, these things don't always bring tears anymore, but the little things that jump out of nowhere...like a sock under the drawers in the bathroom, or the tiny shoes in the shoebox...those things I think will break my heart til the day I die.  Her tiny shoes....baby size 6....oh what I would give to see her in size 7.....