Box Cars and Cocoa

We just got home today from the benefit thrown for Khyri back in Wyoming.  She would have absolutely loved it.  She would have chased those cars all over the place, been in the way, probably spilled hot chocolate on herself.  Her face and hands would have been sticky with donut goo.  She would have had a blast.  It's a beautiful thing to come from a community like that, one that still has your back after you've long since moved away.  I loved it, but I wish it hadn't had to happen.  She should still be with me.  I spent a large portion of this event hiding because of the tears.  I wore make up for the first time in ages and it was a mess.  I felt so guilty when we left Thursday night.  I've never missed more than a day at a time going to the cemetery.  It felt like I was leaving her home alone, it was awful.  I worried the whole time we were gone that something had blown away or something.  It's good to be home now, but there's such a gloom here without her.  Back to the day-to-day, back to going through the motions.  This is not the way our lives were supposed to be.  I went and got her tree tonight, the one we will take to her.  It's 3 feet tall, and has butterflies as a topper.  We are going to take Khaily out next weekend and decorate it.  Never in my life did I think I'd have to spend a Christmas without one of my kids.  It's a hollow feeling that is just too intense for words.  Even if I could describe it, I don't think that I would, because it would be incapacitating to all who read it.  I would give anything to have her back.  Not just for me, but for everyone.  She was going to do amazing things with this world, I just know it.  It pains me to see the tears in Khaily's eyes.  She's still really little, so she doesn't feel it the way that we do, but every once in a while, like tonight, she will just break down.  She cries out her name.  It's heartbreaking.  She asked me tonight about the daycare.  She doesn't understand why she isn't going there anymore, which I think is a blessing...she doesn't need the details right now.  She told us on the way back to my mom's from the fundraiser, "Guys you see Khyri waving in the clouds right? Wave back to her hurry!"  She says little things like this all the time.  I love her innocence.  Today she asked if we saw Khyri's face in the clouds.  Simple little things that just mean so much more than she understands.

 

Special Thanks: Star Valley Jaycees, Lindsay and Matt Kallgren and girls, Tylee Williams, Kayla and Dakota Kennington, Mom and Dad, Jess, Britt, Mikey and girls.  Raffle contributors: Toe Candy, Idaho Falls Radio, Logan Wilkes, Bank of Star Valley, Lifetime Fitness, Apple Athletic Club, and so many others that I just can't remember at the moment thank you all SO much for all the love and support and for putting together this wonderful event for my little girl.