I have gotten really good at visualizing, or "grounding." Its kind of a self-soothing anxiety technique, since I myself am not a fan of pharmaceuticals. One way to ground yourself is to literally ground yourself...plant your feet firmly on the floor and push yourself against it, or grab say a shopping cart handle and squeeze as hard as you can. Or you can count and breathe, which is super common. I myself prefer mental blocking... Once you recognize a stressor you visualize it in your mind and mentally build a brick wall in front of it. It makes me feel like I can control it, like if I put this wall here whatever is behind it has to wait until I take it down to get through and then I can deal with it on my time. Another thing I do quite a bit when I'm feeling out of control is to name my surroundings...its supposed to help keep you in the moment...if I find myself worrying about bills that aren't even due yet or going back to scary hospital flashbacks...I look around the room and make very basic statements about what's around "why's" or "buts," super basic..."the chair is white" "the blanket is blue" "the pillow is soft" "there's a book on the shelf"...super basic.

Tonight none of it is working. I can't sleep, and I can't shut it off. Its not even the hospital, which is a welcome change, but tonight its her little fingers, and her chubby thighs, and the way she used to suck on her lower lip. Its the cute tiny things that I love thinking about, and I recall them often to make sure I don't forget. When you lose your baby though, even the happy thoughts are so sad. So I tried, "her skin is soft" and pushed away the "but it was cold when she died", "her nails are sharp for baby nails" and pushed away the memory of trying to clean the dirt out of them at the funeral home...nothing is working. I still can't sleep, and the tears still won't stop. So ive come to the conclusion that, maybe sometimes being strong isn't blocking it out, but letting it in and being vulnerable...I just want to hold those little fingers and tickle those tiny thighs so bad. It physically makes my arms hurt to think about going into her room and not being able to just pick her up for even a second....its just so hard.

The dog is black...the couch is tan...the walls are white...the tea is hot...

Adios 2015

So, before I start, you will notice that this post is at the top. I lost track of my backwards time stamps and decided that...that's a lot of starting today the newest posts will be at the top of the blog, and everything from 2014 and 2015 will read oldest to newest like a story (it's the 80 posts under 2014 on the right side of the screen). That being said, here we go.

I apologize for not being on here more recently, but as you can imagine, everything from October to New Years is pretty unpleasant and sad and unmotivational in my house, this year being no exception. After the angelversary was halloween, lots of fun, Khaily was Elsa and was SO excited to get to wear Mommy's make up.

In November a very sad thing happened in our house when me and Jason split up. We both just changed too much over all the events of the last year and the two new people that came out of the storm weren't the compatible pair that went into it. Super painful, super messy, I will spare you the soap opera and just sucked.

Thanksgiving came and went. Me and Khaily went to spend it with the family, but ended up leaving early. It's hard to be happy in a room full of happy people when over the course of a year you go from happy family of four to a mama daughter duo. Sorry family.

Enter Christmas. Christmas is hard. It was not the soul draining, life ruining experience that it was last year though, and progress is progress right ? Again we spent it with my parents, Khaily was soon excited...she snuck out of her room and caught the stockings...but Santa hid quick before she saw anything else!  It was such fun to see her excitement Christmas morning. It helped ease the ache, though I was still super grateful for the drive to work so I could fall apart. Holidays are just hard.  Her assignment for her Christmas program was to be the Christmas angel...and the irony almost killed me. She was a beautiful angel though, and she had so much fun. I seriously recommend Lots O Love Preschool to everybody, so amazing.

Now here we are, in 2016.  Another year that Khy will never see, the first of four without Jason, and we still have snow the second week of January. ..that hasn't happened for a few years. Khyri would be turning three in March, starting pre-k, learning to read and tie her shoes...all these little things are so big when they are just daydreams.  I am still very grateful and very blessed to have had her at all. Even knowing what I know now there's no way I'd give her back to avoid it.  I do not in any way believe that it was her time to go or that God had anything to do with it, but He is keeping me going so I know that there's some kind of plan at work now, even if it's not the original draft.  happy new year everyone ♡