Sleepless

I have gotten really good at visualizing, or "grounding." Its kind of a self-soothing anxiety technique, since I myself am not a fan of pharmaceuticals. One way to ground yourself is to literally ground yourself...plant your feet firmly on the floor and push yourself against it, or grab say a shopping cart handle and squeeze as hard as you can. Or you can count and breathe, which is super common. I myself prefer mental blocking... Once you recognize a stressor you visualize it in your mind and mentally build a brick wall in front of it. It makes me feel like I can control it, like if I put this wall here whatever is behind it has to wait until I take it down to get through and then I can deal with it on my time. Another thing I do quite a bit when I'm feeling out of control is to name my surroundings...its supposed to help keep you in the moment...if I find myself worrying about bills that aren't even due yet or going back to scary things...like hospital flashbacks...I look around the room and make very basic statements about what's around me...no "why's" or "buts," super basic..."the chair is white" "the blanket is blue" "the pillow is soft" "there's a book on the shelf"...super basic.

Tonight none of it is working. I can't sleep, and I can't shut it off. Its not even the hospital, which is a welcome change, but tonight its her little fingers, and her chubby thighs, and the way she used to suck on her lower lip. Its the cute tiny things that I love thinking about, and I recall them often to make sure I don't forget. When you lose your baby though, even the happy thoughts are so sad. So I tried, "her skin is soft" and pushed away the "but it was cold when she died", "her nails are sharp for baby nails" and pushed away the memory of trying to clean the dirt out of them at the funeral home...nothing is working. I still can't sleep, and the tears still won't stop. So ive come to the conclusion that, maybe sometimes being strong isn't blocking it out, but letting it in and being vulnerable...I just want to hold those little fingers and tickle those tiny thighs so bad. It physically makes my arms hurt to think about going into her room and not being able to just pick her up for even a second....its just so hard.

The dog is black...the couch is tan...the walls are white...the tea is hot...