Hiatus -or- Mentalmotional Vacation

K so obviously, it's not January anymore, which means-obviously-that it's been a second since I've been online. My bad. It's been a super awful couple months, and tho this blog was a lifeline in the beginning, I've gotten to where it's easier to blog when I've had a beat to clear it all out. I survived her birthday again, if only just barely. There were balloons, 50 of them to be specific, there were cupcakes, there were people at my house, there were more tears than I cared to really deal with. Holidays are rough. I spent the majority of the day, while decorating cupcakes, trying to imagine what my 3 year old would look like...what she'd sound like...the things she'd know.  I can't.  I can't imagine any of it, and it's so hard.  To me she will always be my lil 19 month old. I don't know her any other way anymore.  I can remember up to that point obviously, but then it just stops.  I think that's one of the saddest things...that it just stops.  I try really hard not to be mad at God, I've been working towards rebuilding my faith for almost a year and a half now, but some days...like her birthday...I feel like we should at least be able to keep tabs on them.  Like, we should at least be granted the ability to imagine their faces as they would be if they were here.  He couldn't give us that much? I don't believe it was His will for her to die, but I KNOW that He could at least let me peek. But do we really want to?  I don't know.  It's a complicated thing.   I remember when I went in for surgery 4 days after her funeral, I remember (it's dark, sorry) thinking to myself that maybe the anesthesia would be a lil too much, since I hadn't been eating or sleeping right, and I'd been drinking...maybe I'd get to peek.  No such luck.  Don't get me wrong, I am not at all suicidal, by any stretch of the imagination, but just to have that split second to see that she's alright, would change so much. So that was her birthday...thoughts, and tears, and freaking cupcakes. It all feels wrong either way. It feels wrong to bake that day, but I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't.  It feels wrong to get out of bed that day, but I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't. Complicated.

Easter was yesterday. Not nearly as catastrophic as I thought it would be. It was fun to watch Khaily at the egg hunt and do the Easter bunny thing, but I spent most of the day just being grateful that the day even exists. Without Easter there would be zero hope of getting back to my baby bear.  And at the end of the day, that hope is all I have of her. 


On a lighter note, me and miss Mae went to Boise a couple weekends ago.  It was super nice to get out of town for a couple days to be with family and friends. We hit up the Boise Zoo, which is so much cooler than the IF zoo, everyone should go...seriously, they have jellyfish. Whaaaaat?  They also had a bench that was sponsored by the Compassionate Friends, which for those of you who aren't familiar, is a support group for parents and families who have lost a child. Amazing organization, they do a Walk to Remember every year, theres a worldwide candle lighting event in December every year, just an amazing amazing group of people.  Anyway, there was a bench. The bench about did me in for the day.  It's right next to the giraffe slide, and those who know, know that giraffes were Khyri's "thing."  The irony floored me and I had to stop and get myself for a second before I could function again.

Boise was fun.  So fun theres been talk of a move.  I found on my way back to this side of the state, thatthe closer i got, the more I wanted to flip around and go back.  I did not realize how completely SAD this entire little city makes me until I got out of it for a couple days.  Thinking that way brought on guilt like you wouldn't believe, so I reached out to a friend who lost her daughter 5 years ago, same age, same situation (except for the daycare part.)  I asked for her thoughts, and after being reassured that I'm not a horrible mom for leaving the place where my baby is, she told me that her and her husband waited five years to move but have always said they wish they had gone sooner...so maybe a drastic change is in order?  Maybe Boise? Maybe the moon?  Who knows what comes next really...

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