This Is Not the Life

Sept. 27, 2016
This is not the life I wanted. This is not what I envisioned as a little girl playing house with the neighbors. It was never in my plan to be a mom of 3 and have to explain it to people. My kids were always meant to be visible. I never planned on being married and divorced by 21. I never imagined having to take out restraining orders against people I love. Never thought to myself that one day I would explain death and Heaven and God and Jesus to my 4 year old in a non-religious situation. Wasn't planning on the panic attacks, the sleepless nights, and the crippling fear of dropping my daughter off at school.
I want to be the mom who drops her off and thinks, "ok I have 7 hours to get things done."
Instead I drop her off and count down the minutes until I pick her up...because one time I didn't get to pick her up.
I want to be the mom who goes to sleep at night exhausted from my kids overwhelming me all day long.
Instead I go to bed and cry because Khaily is low maintainence and once upon a time I was that mom.
I want to be the mom who complains about the laundry and the dirty house because I can't take it another second.
Instead I fold laundry with a heavy heart because there used to be so much more of it.
Everywhere you look there are people complaining about their kids, complaining about their spouse, complaining about their house. Stop. Just stop. Because it could all be gone tomorrow. Two years ago today, I went to a job that i loved, then I picked up my kids who drove me crazy, I cleaned the house despite being exhausted and had dinner ready before my honey got home from work. Two years ago today I had the crazy busy happy life that I, like so many of you, take for granted. In three weeks it will be 2 years since Khyri passed away. 2 years since everything fell apart. And in two years...I've gone from 3 kids to 1, a happy family to drying my daughters eyes because she misses her dad, a house full of noise, toys, and laughter to a house full of heavy, empty, painful, silence.

The life I have now..is not the one I wanted. But I wouldn't give back a single second of the "before" in exchange for an ounce of the "after." The screaming and fighting and tears and devastation and falling apart...suuuucks....but...there were 2 and a half years that were absolutely amazing.

That little girl at the table behind me drives me crazy. She does. We yell. We scream. We both say things we don't mean. We miss our family. We miss sissy. We miss dad. But at the end of the day its us against the world. And all things considered I think we redoing pretty okay. So...while its not the life I wanted...in sure glad its mine.