1:00AM

Some nights the ache is absolutely crippling.  It's there all the time, it never goes away, but every once in a while it gets absolutely unbearable.  You read about parents who go off the deep end after something happens to their kid, and tonight I understand why.  I don't know what it is about tonight that is so much worse than any other night, but I feel worse than I did the day it happened.  Maybe it's the shock wearing off, maybe it's the 6 hour day at work getting to my head because that was too much "normal" all at once, maybe it's because it's her one month funeralversary, I don't know, but tonight is HARD.  I can't stop crying.  I can't stop thinking about how I used to hold her when  things were bad and she fixed it all, I can't stop wondering if she'd be awake right now if she was here, I miss her so much and the pain is SO raw that I just want to go to sleep forever.  I know, of course, that that isn't an option.  I don't really know if Id want to anyway because in every dream I've had she dies again.  I am so over watching her die.  It's not like it happened the one time and then it was over, I watch her die all over again almost every night. I have only had one dream where she wasn't gone.  I remember in my dream thinking she was gone, but someone told me she was in the other room and I went in and got to hug her.  God what I would give to be able to hug her.  Or even just see her.  For even just a second to know that she's alright.  I stood outside her bedroom door a bit ago.  Hoping that I would hear her cry, but knowing that I wouldn't.  The battle of logic vs emotion is absolutely insane.  I know logically that she's gone. That she's not coming back.  That life is going to continue without her and whether I am willing or not i have to participate because I still have Khaily.  I know that she can't feel anything.  I know that she's not cold in the snow.  I know that she's safer now in her comfy little casket with her giraffe and her seahorse and her blankie than she would ever have been on earth.  I know all that logically.  But my heart tells me shes still here.  That if I listen close enough I will hear her cry.   That it's not real and I'm going to get a phone call saying that there was a mistake.  My heart tells me that if I keep waiting and praying that God will hear me and give her back.  My heart is full of crap, and my brain knows it.  I keep thinking that if they had just kept going for ten more minutes she would have woken up.  Medically that's insane, two hours of CPR is pretty substantial.  Medically, theres no way she would  have had a functional brain.  Medically, a pulmonary hemorrhage isn't something you come back from.  I KNOW that she's gone.  But I can't let go.  I am so scared that I am going to forget what she sounded like, what she felt like, her little noises and quirks.  I'm afraid that she's going to stop feeling so real, that her life will start to feel more like a dream, I don't want that.  As bad as it hurts I want to remember her every single day.  I want to remember every detail of her, I want to remember it all.  I don't want her to fade out into a memory.  What I am feeling is raw, and it's real, and it hurts like hell....but it's only because I know her...and I held her...and she's my baby and I KNOW that it's not a dream...I'm so scared of it becoming less than what it is...a horrible, God-awful, tragedy.