Sometimes I sit outside her bedroom door and pretend she's taking a nap.
Sometimes I put just a tiny bit of her shampoo on the back of my hand so I can smell it.
I carry one of her socks in my hasn't been washed, but it doesn't smell...and even if it did I think I'd keep it with me anyway.
I talk to her pictures.
I think of nothing but her, especially at bedtime, cuz I hope that one day I will think about her hard enough to be able to have a dream where she doesn't die.
I have cried for at least an hour a day every day since she left. Sometimes three or four.
I remain unconvinced that she is really gone.  I know it logically, but I can't believe it.
I sleep with her blanket every night.
I write letters to her.
I hug Jason not only because he's him, but because now he's all the her I have left.
I force myself to think about everything about her every day so I never forget...her weight in my arms, her head on my shoulder, her smell, her smile, her wave, her blown kisses, her actual kisses, her hugs...her hugs were my favorite thing...
I hear everyone telling me that with time I will feel better, but some days I feel so helpless that I just don't believe them, and most days I don't want it to be better...I want to be frozen in time with her forever. I can't even fathom moving forward in the world right now.
Sometimes I holler her name from the living room...even though I know she's not going to come running
I don't want to move on. I feel like I am abandoning her by letting go. I will never let go.
I never said goodbye.  I told her it was okay as long as she was happy, I told her I loved her, I told her I missed her, I didn't say goodbye, and I never will.
I still buy her toys sometimes.
All I want is thirty seconds to hold her.  That's it.  Thirty seconds to know that she is okay and happy.
I am torn about going to see a medium because I know that it's not what the Bible says.
I have the most unimaginable fear of going to hell now.  I can't imagine not being where she is.
I hate getting up in the morning.
I hate going to bed at night.
I hate going to the cemetery.  It is depressing and it makes me cry.  But I feel like I'm letting her down if I don't.  I'm drawn to it, and once I'm there I don't want to leave.

I miss you so much Khy Khy.

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