I Saw God Today
Today I woke up, and instantly wanted to pull the blankets back over my head. I spent most of today fighting a religious battle...I have always been a God fearing woman, even in my lowest lows I have never seriously questioned God or Heaven, but there is something about losing Khy that has shaken my faith in ways I never thought possible. The only experience I've had with death besides this was my Gma, and that was what I thought the worst thing imagineable. Me and my family watched her battle in and out, for the last few years of her life. We would wander in and out of her hospital room, taking turns doing whatever she wanted or needed. I spent quite a bit of time in her "apartments" at the two different homes she went to...the second one only necessary because her things were removed from the first one after a hospital stint that we thought was her last. My Gma was the go to, the all knowing ever wise, "somethings wrong gotta go talk to Grandma," "having a crappy day, need a Grandma hug." It was so hard when she went. But even then, even when someone I still needed so much was taken away, I didn't question God's existence. I knew where she had gone, I knew she was still with me, I knew I'd see her again someday. Even though I know Khyri went to the same place, I find myself wondering all the time if it's really there, and dreading the thought that she might just be GONE. I hate these thoughts, and I hate the pain that comes with thinking them. Today I watched some online ministries from a local church that I hadn't gone to in years. I watched, I read the Bible (which has been a regular practice since she left, just searching for hope and answers,) I thought back on my life and was overcome by panic....I have had some horrible lows, and I have done some horrible things. What if the good outweighs the bad? What if I don't make it there to see her again? What if God can't see past my past? I decided that I needed a meeting with the pastor...but not just any pastor, it had to be the one that did her funeral. See, the pastor we picked was picked because he too, lost a child to drowning. He was the only one who understood exactly (well, almost, his son was 17 years, not 19 months,) what we were going through. Today I kenw I had to talk to him. He doesn't usually do the sermon at church, hes the assistant pastor so he usually just stands in when needed, but I just had the feeling today that I needed to go to church, because it is TERRIFYING to all of a sudden out of nowhere have doubts about things that you've never doubted, especially when those things are the only lifeline you have to a loved one lost. So, I get to church, and lo and behold...the head pastor is out of town, and he was presiding over services. God had heard me, GOd knew that this specific person was who I needed and put him there. I am still struggling, this one incident didn't fix all of my fears, but...I saw God today...and now there's a tiny bit of hope that I had thought I had lost.
Posted by Sky Buck