I've reached a place I haven't been before. Instead of being completely overrun by tears all the time I've spent a lot of time the last few days feeling...well, nothing. In intervals. Not all at once. I'll break down for an hour or so and then there's nothing for hours and hours and then I'll break down again. I don't know if it's my mind's way of defending me against the holiday season, or if I'm just so exhausted that anymore emotion would be my downfall. I don't know. But I don't like it. I would rather feel everything than nothing. I can't even say they've been "good days" because they really haven't....I haven't been happy, I'm still sad, I just...shut down? I guess? That's the only real way I can describe it. I took Khaily to the doctor the other day, and someone mentioned (no names to protect the innocent) anti-anxiety meds so I can "function" to do the daily things that I need to, but honestly...I don't want to. I'm not there yet. I don't miss being able to get up and clean and run errands and cook and all those things I used to do everyday, I don't care right now about any of that. Khaily is taken care of, I'm making myself go to work, what more does the world really want from me? It's been SIX WEEKS...it's still new! It's still fresh in my mind and I'm still grieving! It's not like losing a grandparent who has lived their life, or a friend you grew up with, or a dog....it's my child. I carried her, I gave birth to her, I spent every single day of her life with her, and now she's gone and the world just expects me to be back and "functioning" after 6 weeks? Seriously? It's not only unrealistic, but it's offensive. Not a single person that I interact with on a daily basis has been where I am, not a single person I talk to every day has literally had a chunk of their soul ripped away from them with no way to get it back. No one should worry about my functionality right now. I will get there in my own time. Christmas is three weeks away, this is certainly not the time to even MeNtIoN what I "should" be doing or how I "should" be feeling right now. She only got one Christmas. It was a beautiful Christmas, but she only got one. I don't want to put up the tree, I don't want to stare at her stocking and know she isn't going to be here to open anything or have Christmas dinner or any of the things that families do. Christmas is a family holiday, and part of mine is missing. So, that being said, go back to your family and your functional lives, quit worrying about prices, presents, travel plans, and just HUG YOUR KIDS. Be thankful that you have them to hold, because some of us aren't functioning this Christmas, some of us don't have our kids to hug, and some of us would give every present, every meal, every dollar, every breath...just to be able to even see our kids this Christmas. I would love to hold my baby, but just looking into her eyes and knowing that she is okay would be enough for me this year.
The wreath I made to take to Khyri...I miss you baby bear </3
Posted by Sky Buck