Blowing Kisses & Dandelion Wishes: March 14, 2013

Well...technically July 16, 2012. Every woman who has had a baby knows, that you know you're pregnant before you buy the test. It's just a feeling. And it's different from the "oh crap I think I'm pregnant" feeling, it's a "I'm pregnant, time to make sure," feeling. I was sitting in my apartment, not sure what triggered it, but I knew I needed a test. One of my friends at the time, coincidentally had forgotten to take her meds to work with her. Seeing the opportunity to have a reason to leave the house without outwardly saying, "I think I'm pregnant be right back," I grabbed her meds and headed out. I got there, told her i thought I was pregs, went to the dollar store and got a test...positive...went to the store to get a higher quality test, positive, faintly positive, negative. Crap. SO I called the doctor the next morning and got in immediately. Negative, negative. I demanded a blood test, because "there's no such thing as a false positive" right? Blood test was positive. Doc told me that the only reason for the negs was that the hormones were dropping, which could be a miscarriage. I went home bawling. I had an appointment two days later to make sure that the levels weren't droppimg, but that 48 hours was horrible. I was so afraid that I was going to lose my baby. When I went back for the follow up everything looked great. Heart rate was amazing, hormone levels were climbing...the baby was healthy.

This pregnancy was tougher than my first as far as morning sickness went. With Khaily it had only lasted a couple months, was pretty much isolated to every hour on the hour before noon, and didn't keep me up at night. Khyri was different. I was allllways sick. Freaking always. For the whole time. I also have gall attacks when I'm pregnant, which were also soooo much worse with Khyri. I was so excited for her to be here, and for all the madness to stop. See, Khaily, though I love her with all my heart, was horrible timing...didn't really like the guy I was with at the time (that changed, fell in love, married, divorced, blah) didn't have heat or power for two months, her biofather went to jail...my pregnancy with Khaily was nothing short of a nightmare with a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. I was SO excited for Khyri. Good job, madly in love with her dad, fairly stable in almost all aspects...so exciting.

We went to the first ultrasound, and found out my due date was March 21, 2014. Khaily had been an emergency c section, so the safest route was obviously a repeat c section, so we scheduled for March 14th at noon.

I loved getting ready for her...my nesting period was amazing, our apartment was tiny so every nook and cranny was scrubbed and disinfected like crazy. She was due during tax time, which was awesome because it took the stress out of shopping. I wanted pink and grey to be her colors. That didn't last much longer than the shopping trip haha. We got her the cutest little all in one pack n play...ya know, bassinet, changing table, diaper holder, mobile, the works. It was grey with a big pink monkey on it. Her carseat was dark grey and purple. Her very first baby blankie was the softest white blankie with pink hearts and pink silk trim. The jams we bought her to wear home were white and green...St. Patricks day being three days off and all...we bought binkies...i'm a total nonbeliever in binkies but its always good to have them on hand just in case...she ended up hating them, the only pics i have of her with one is when she was sleeping and I put it in her mouth myself...supposedly reduces the risk of SIDS and I'm a paranoid mama.

We anxiously awaited her arrival. counting down the days, taking pregnancy pics every week for the last ten weeks, spending time with Khaily getting her ready for her new sister. My last day at work was March 8th, and on March 9th we took Khaily for one final family of 3 outing to go see the bears from bear world at Blast Off. This was probably the longest week ever. I cleaned, and I cleaned, I folded and refolded her clothes, washed bottles, disinfected her carseat and swing and everything else. March 13th I sat up cuz I couldn't sleep...I couldn't eat anything after midnight and I remember at 11:58 popping a handful of Peanut M&Ms into my mouth, downing some water and being sooo bummed cuz I still had half a bag of M's. I made sure everything was ready to go to the hospital...blankie, outfits, carseat, all of my stuff...and I crawled into bed for a three hour snooze.

We had to be at the hospital by 10 the next morning. I was up at 6. I showered, packed Khaily's bag to go to my mom and dad's, cleaned the house again, made Khaily breakfast, did my make up...anything to stay busy and make time go faster. I was so excited. I took the final prego pic, we loaded up, and went to the hospital.

She made her grand entrance at 12:29PM. Six pounds, twelve ounces, twenty inches long. She was beautiful. Olive Italian skin, dark hair, lungs of steel. Ten fingers, ten toes...perfect. I remember when the doctor held her ove rthe sheet so I could see her...it was amazing...I didn't get to feel that with Khaily, cuz I had HELP sydrome with her and everything's kind of a blur. Khyri had me wrapped around her finger the second I saw her face. I knew that as much as Khaily is a daddy's girl, Khy was gonna be my mama's girl...and she was. She was such a good baby.

We took her home on the 16th. I was so scared. I went to my parent's house in Wyoming when I had Khaily...this time my mom wasn't here to help. She was so small, so fragile. She was a collicy baby. I learned quickly the power of youtube...there was a 2 hour lullaby series on there that I would turn on at night to help her sleep. For a while she would only sleep in her swing. I remember one night she fell out of it, and it scared the crap out of me...we had drug our mattress into the living room, and she landed on the mattress so she wasn't hurt, but still it scared me to death. I cried with her, snuggled her, and she fell asleep in my arms...it was one of her favorite places...always one of her favorite places.

I remember telling her I would always keep her safe. I promised her nothing bad would ever happen to her. It had never occurred to me that bad things could happen when she wasn't with me. I miss her so terribly. The numb never goes away. I think back to the happy times...like when she was born...her first bath, the first time she held her head up, her army crawl stage...I remember her favorite baby toys, all her quirky little baby habits...and I just can't believe she's gone...