October 18th

Today is Khyri's one month funeralversary.  And I'm dying.  Milestones...one day, one week, one month, one year....all the "ones"...are so hard...after her angelversary 6 days ago, I could no longer say "one month ago she was...."  Now  I'm having to find farther back pictures...and the farther back I go the harder it hits that she's really been gone.  She's really been gone for a month and 6 days today.  Life has really continued on without us.  I say "us" because I am still frozen.  I am still stuck in the day that she died, all day, every day, no matter what I do, it's on my mind.  Every day I watch them do CPR, every day I hear myself begging them not to let her die, every day I hear myself praying that God won't take her away from me.  Every day I feel the clock stop at 1:30.  I don't know how long it will be October 18th.  Every day I repeat every conversation I had that day, and for the six days after leading up to a month ago today.  I remember picking the flowers, I remember going to pick a plot, I remember getting her dressed for the last time, doing her hair in little pigtails.  I remember sitting in the office at the funeral home trying to get the layout of her funeral program exactly perfect.  I remember going to the funeral home on my birthday to give her the slippers that I had bought the night before, crying over her body and not wanting to leave.  I remember thinking about asking the director if I could stay the night with her one last time.  I remember sitting in the blazer in the parking lot begging God to give her back, to let me take her place instead. I remember running my fingers through her hair begging her to wake up...even though she was three days gone and I knew it wasn't going to happen.  There is no emptier feeling than this.  None.