The Unknown

It's the worst part.  Not just not knowing exactly what happened, but not knowing what she would have been like much could have happened in the last month...would she be talking now?  How would her personality have changed?  What would her favorite things be this month?  Would she like the snow?  What would she have looked like on her first day of preschool? Kindergarten? High school?  I was robbed of so many experiences with her, and so was she.  It's not fair.  My sister told me the other day that all parents who lose a child grieve the same but differently.  The ones who lose an adult child grieve the life their babies had, the ones who lose a teenager grieve the past and the future, those of us who lose our babies grieve for the short time we had and the long time we won't have.  People sometimes say it's better to celebrate the life than to mourn the death...but what do you do when there wasn't enough life to really celebrate?  My baby had a wonderful year on earth, she was so loved and so loving and the happiest baby ever and that is such a comfort to me sometimes, but she didn't get to live.  She wont' get to graduate high school, she'll never cure cancer, or be president, she won't get to do any of the things that we as humans are entitled to do...and it's not fair.  That's nothing to celebrate, that is raw loss.  There's a reason why there's no definition for a parent who loses a child, its because there are no words to explain it.  None.  You can try, I've tried a million times to decide what exactly I "am." And at the end of the day, I'm just a broken mom.  We all worry as parents about "what if soemething happens to my baby," "oh i can't imagine if that was me," we see horrible stories on the news, we hear terrible things that have happened, and we cringe to think it could happen to us...its a whole different level of mortification when it happens to you.  I made Khaily french toast sticks this morning, and wondered to myself if Khy would have wanted them or if she would have thrown them on the floor...likem she did with most things she didn't want...there are so many unknowns, and the worst feeeling in the world is knowing that they will be unknown forever.  I will never have the answers to the questions that I have, the worries, the hopes, the what if's...I will never know...and I don't know if anyone can ever truly have closure without knowing.

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