Mom-onomics 101

It is currently 4:00 in the morning on the two week anniversary of my angel's funeral.  As I've sat up many nights crying, I've often wondered why it is that I am so worried about her being so far away when I know that God is taking good care of her.  Tonight...this morning...whatever....I reached a conclusion.  Once a mom, always a mom.  Whether she is here or there she is my baby.  Death doesn't change that, distance, time, nothing can change that.  I will always worry about my baby.  More so now that I can't call and check on her, or drop in and say "hi."  I will spend the rest of my life wondering if she got to bed on time, if she has a cuppy, who turned on her seahorse, is she warm, is she safe, etc., etc.  I've heard that everything in Heaven is perfect.  That there are no tears, no pain, and all  things needed are taken care of...but I'm her mom.  I know her like no one else knows her, I love her like no one else loves her.  I will worry about her as if she's at a sleep over until the day that I am there to make sure it's all getting done myself.  I wonder all the time  who she lives with...if she's with my grandparents, my aunts, uncles, cousins...and then I worry about who she plays with...or if she's all alone...I worry that she's sad...that she misses us...I try not to cry, because she never liked it, but I can't stop.  I'm Khyri's mom.  I should be able to oversee her daily adventures.  I'm supposed to be the one taking care of her.  Sometimes I wonder if that's why this is so hard....I've handled every  detail of her life, for her whole life, and I'm not ready to trust someone else with that responsibility...after all, look what happened last time I did that.... :'(

1 comment:

  1. You are so brave sky, and you're blog is so truthful and raw. I lost my beautiful son Tommy in September, aged 10 months. I understand your pain and admire your strength, your beautiful girl would be so proud. And she will never be alone, all of our angels play together xxx