A Blue Christmas Without You

Christmas is two days away...and I miss my baby so badly.  We have donated toys and cash, not just because we wanted to help, but also because there was no way I was going to survive the season if I only got to shop for one kid.  I try to make myself feel better by remembering how last Christmas, she didn't really care about much...seriously she was 9 months old and was probably just annoyed that I woke her up that early...but I just know that she would have loved it this year...she always loved lights and sounds...and this year she could have helped decorate and everything...she could have made a gingerbread dude with us, I didn't let her last year because I didn't want her to eat the candies...because they were hard enough to break teeth and juuust big enough for her to choke on....we went out to look at the lights last year, but she fell asleep in the car...even at the light show in Iona (the real pretty one set to music.)  We haven't done any of those things this year, in fact if it weren't for Khaily Christmas wouldn't come at all probably ever again...but we put up the tree...and hung up the stockings...we took a smaller tree out to Khy and decorated it...but it's all so hard.  Holidays make it so much more real...because someone is missing...Thanksgiving was tough, this is a nightmare.  This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.  There's supposed to be laughter and singing and joy and excitement and in our house there's a big black cloud over everything....there are no smiles (except Khaily, thank God) there is no laughing...I am dreading Christmas day...I am dreading tomorrow (Christmas Eve)...I don't want any of it to happen without her...I feel helpless and out of control because I can't stop time.  Everyone keeps wishing us Merry Christmas, and telling us to "stay strong" and "keep our heads up" and "do it for Khaily."  I do EVERYTHING for Khaily now, because I'm certainly not doing it for myself or Jason, so to be told to do it for her is frankly a slap in the face...through the whole thing I can assure the world that Khaily has not been forgotten or ignored for even a second, she is all we have now and believe me we know it.  And there is no keeping our heads up...we get up and function everyday purely for the fact that we still have Khaily, and we do not possess the Power to stop our own hearts.  The sentiment is appreciated, but...it's hard to hear from people who know that this is anything but a Merry Christmas.

Last year was the best Christmas of my life.  And I know that it will always be the best, because every Christmas from now until forever I will be missing my baby.  We got the girls up bright and early, did Christmas at our apartment, left the wrappers all over, drove to Wyoming to do Christmas with my family, and then came home...it was amazing. Everyone was happy...the girls were spoiled rotten...and it will never be that way again....and it truly truly is the most devastating thing....

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