Blowing Kisses & Dandelion Wishes: Rubber Ducky You're The One

I don't know what it is about rubber duckies that always made me think of her. Even when I was pregnant

ducks always stood out. When she was a baby she made the most adorable little duck face, I'd share a picture but they are all stuck on my other computer. Ducks are on my mind tonight because of a cake I made a few hours ago. I bake, I love to bake, someday I hope to own a bakery...I've been thinking about starting some kind of a fundraiser in Khy's honor, something where I can go to low-income daycares and baby proof them til my fingers bleed, I was thinking maybe "Cupcakes for Khyri..." all proceeds would go towards baby proofing equipment and travel expenses...but it's still just a brainchild for now. Anyway, the cake. My niece is turning 18 in a few days, and since baking is my thing and I've kind of made a habit of making my nieces cakes on their birthday I jumped on board to do her cake. I was sad at first, because it's a birthday cake and my mind naturally gravitated towards the knowledge that Khyri won't get anymore...I will still make a cake on her birthday, every year, because it's still her birthday, and it's still my birthday...every time a baby is born it's a day for the mom too...I call them "earth days." I always tell my mom happy me-day to her on my birthday, and I will continue to celebrate my me-day on March 14th, because that day changed my life, and whether she's here or not, that's still her day. It's hard to think about those things, especially with the holidays coming up so soon. Khyri's birthday...I still don't know whether to call it her birthday because that's what it was, a single event that won't repeat, or her 1st birthday, because it was that too...there's lots of things Im still working on new wordage for...her birthday was so exciting. We had it at Jen's house, because she had the space, and I wanted it to be a ducky theme, a princess ducky theme even...I had so much fun baking for that party...she sat in her high chair while I decorated and ate the trimmings off the cake and the cupcakes that weren't up to my standards. I spent hours on those creations, while Jen decorated. There weren't many that showed up, which was fine, because everyone that was close to her was there. She ripped at her gifts, destroyed her cake, ran off the sugar high...I don't know about you, but I don't think I can remember a single birthday of the 24 I've had where something didn't go wrong..whether it was my hair, or the food, or people being buttheads, it seems like birthdays are an open invitation for a crapstorm...but not hers...everything was perfect at her party...the morning before wasn't great, we blew a tire on Yellowstone (luckily right across from les schwab) and spent three hours that I desperately needed to shower and get ready and get the kids ready, getting the tire fixed...but her party was perfect. It makes me sad to think of all the birthdays that she won't be here for, but I will always remember that the one she did have was absolutely perfect. She was surrounded by family (Jen is family too,) she had a ton of fun, and at least I got to make her one cake...that's more than some mom's can say, and for that I will be grateful forever. I have spent some time thinking about the mom's who lose their babies to SIDS, or stillbirth, or miscarriage, and sometimes I think, "that would have been so much easier. i wouldn't have the questions about what happened that day, I would know that she had passed peacefully, safe and warm..." and then I have moments where, even though I am dying inside, even though I am so devastated that she's gone, I am SO thankful that I got 19 months with her. She changed my life. I can't imagine not having the chance to get to know her, to watch her grow for the little while that I got to. The pain, while it's unfair and tragic and the worst thing I have ever felt in my life, is only this intense because my love for my baby girl was so intense, and that is a beautiful thing.