Emotion Of The Day: Anger

It won't.  It will NEVER be okay that my baby died.  It will never be okay that I was robbed of opportunities that I EARNED as a mother.  It will never be okay that my daughter lost her sister, my parents buried a grandbaby, my siblings had to let their baby niece go.  It's not okay.  I can go through the motions and make everything look like it's okay.  I can hold my tone on the phone, I can nod and politely accept the condolences without turning into a puddle (usually,) I can go about my business in the day and get everything done, but that doesn't make it okay.  Every single second of every single day she is on my mind.  Everywhere I look I see her, every child I see that is roughly her age reminds me of her, every inch of my house has a memory, and so do most of the places I go.  WalMart reminds me of how she used to lean forward in the seat in the cart to rest her head on me while we shopped, my brother's house reminds me of her playing in the dog dishes or chewing on an Idaho Potato Boy, Sunday night dinners, and holidays she will never have again, the car is the worst of all, because I spend so much time there, and there's only one carseat where there were once two.  She is EVERYWHERE...and nowhere.  And it's not okay.  No one should have to force themselves to function.  It's not okay that this happened.  I know that it's not okay, and I spend enormous amounts of effort everyday trying not to let it make me bitter.  I have to tell myself a hundred times a day that anger is not a good look on me, that it won't fix anything, that I don't want to go to that dark place.  But sometimes I just get mad.  Sometimes it just happens, and I know that it's part of the "process," but I also know that the process doesn't end.  I know that I am going to be stuck in this cycle of bad days and worse days for the rest of my life.  I know that I am going to have this hole in my heart forever, and it's going to hurt EVERY DAY.  I know that she's gone, I know that she's not coming back, I know that there is nothing I can do about it.  I am aware that I have to continue living, that life keeps going whether I want it to or not. I know all this, and it's still not okay.  It's also not okay to tell me those things right now.  It's not okay to tell me to just keep breathing, It's not okay to tell me that she's in a better place, that she's always with me, that she isn't gone, that it will eventually be okay, that I can't do this to myself, that there's light at the end of the tunnel because right now, I just.don't.care.  Right now, my baby dying is a gaping open wound, and all the things that people say to make it better are like throwing me into a pool of vinegar.  I know the intentions are good, as does every parent in my position, but it doesn't help.  Every once in a while it might, but today is not one of those days...today my baby is gone.  Today it has been four weeks since her funeral.  Today she isn't with me, and she should be.  Today there is no light, there is no hope, and eventually is just a daydream. Tomorrow will be an entirely different range of emotions.  Today, I'm mad.

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