A Special Assignment

Those beautiful baby blues...how badly I miss those eyes </3

I think that mothers of child loss are a completely different kind of people...
I mentioned a few posts back about how I imagine Khyri's conversation with God went before she came to Earth.  Today while talking to Jen she mentioned that we all have conversations with God before we come to Earth.  And that we all knew, those of us who have been here, that we would someday be here, and that we accepted it, because it was what God had planned for us, and being angels of perfect faith we trusted that, even though we were going to have this gaping open wound and this unspeakable heartache forever, it would be okay somehow because God told us so.  Because this was the plan.  We were chosen, assigned even, to be mothers to angels.  We were given the task of surviving this loss because God said so, and He made us strong enough to make it.  All of this sounds a little crazy to me right now honestly, with it being so fresh and all the internal battles going on as it is, but it's a beautiful thought isn't it?  That somewhere, sometime, in a life that we don't remember, we knew that this would happen, and we accepted it, because we wanted our babies no matter how long we got to keep them for.  I know with every fiber in me, that even if I had known that this was going to happen, I would NEVER give back the 19 months, 4 days, and 1 hour that I got with my Khyri.  Not for anything in the world.  Because she was an amazing gift, she was perfect, she was beautiful inside and out...and for that I am forever changed, and forever greatful.  I wish that I could bring her back so badly, every single day.  I miss her so much that it hurts to breathe most of the time.  But knowing the outcome I would go through it all again just to have her for the time I did.  I am heartbroken for her missing future, and for mine with her.  I am devastated that she isn't here and there's nothing I can do about it...but what a gift to have loved someone so much that missing them hurts so bad.  None of these thoughts make the hurt stop, none of them replace the chunk of my soul that is gone forever, but...if I was predestined to make it through this, if God chose this for me that who can stop me?  There's a light at the end of the tunnel....and even if the light is 40 years away and surrounded by pearly gates, it's still a light....