Codename: Purple Game Face

There was a cop.  There were many cops actually, but (no offense officer of IF and BoCo, you are all wonderful) there's only one I remember.  For discretion's sake, we'll call him Officer PGF.

When I got to EIRMC on October 18, obviously in hysterics, he was the first to introduce himself, his demeanor immediately calming...if I dare use that word, cuz I was anything BUT calm.  He stayed right by my side the entire time we were there.  He tried to be comforting, telling me always, "they're trying their hardest," every time I'd ask "they're going save her right? They won't let my baby die right?"

"They're trying."

At one point I asked, and his "they aren't giving up yet," came from behind misty eyes.  My "strong point" was weakening, and that's when I knew...and I started to die inside.  I was looking for a way to say, "your game face is crumbling," but it came out, "you are horrible at your job," which, just to clarify, he most definitely is not, he is an amazing officer.  But, at that moment, to me, his job was not "Officer PGF,"  his job was "keep-me-from-being-escorted-away-by-saying-the-right-things-guy."  We hashed out that he wasn't bad at his job, he's a dad, and in my  situation his game face just slipped a little.

A few days after the funeral, I was at the station talking with the detective, and when I walked out of the office there he was...his words still replay every day..."No game face."  He gave me a hug, and I fell apart.

"No game face."

It was the first time that I had felt like it was actually okay to not brave-face it in public. So I didn't. I cried a lot.  No game face.  Funeral over, people gone, appointments finished, no game face.

Ffwd 7 months (this coming Monday anyway.)
Today I'm at work, and it's been an AWFUL day.  Woke up late, had to fight Khaily for school, truck broke down, argument with Jason, BAD day.

In walks Officer PGF.  WIth a hug.

I told Khy at the cemetery today that I really just needed a hug.
And there it was.

We talked for a few minutes.  He told me not a day goes by that he doesnt wish he could have done more.  And that, knowing that she's not just a case number to him, means more than words.

So, officer PGF, if ever you read this, please know that you have made a profound impact on my life.  I think of and pray for you every day.  Thank you for letting your game face slip, thank you for being sad with me and acknowledging how much it completely sucked to be in the ER that day, and for not making promises that couldn't be kept.  Thank you for not treating us like a "job" becuase...she wasn't a job...she was my baby...

And thank you for the hugs.

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