Tonight

Tonight...I won't be going to the cemetery to say goodnight.  Tonight...for the first night in months, the 8th night total since October, I won't be there to wipe the dust of the stone, brush away the grass and pine needles, adjust flowers and knick knacks.  Tonight...my truck is broken down.  I know that she's not really there, I know that she's probably sitting here watching Daniel Tiger that Khaily left on when she went to bed, I know that, but still it hurts.  I feel like I've let her down.  Like the one person who goes out to make sure everything's ok every.single.night has failed.  It's like when a friend says they are stopping by, and then doesn't, without even a text message.  Or when a date night plan gets cancelled for an impromptu shift at work.  I know she's not disappointed, but I am.  I know it hurts me more than it does her, that the time I spend at the cemetery is more for me than for her.  It's the only way I have left to take care of her...and have you ever felt like you weren't taking care of your kid? Like you've neglected them in some way?  It is a horrible awful feeling. I NEED to go. I NEED to be near her physical form.  I can't see her, but I know that she's there....and the six feet between her and myself are the closest I get to be for what I imagine will be a very long time...and to not get those few minutes a day makes it feel so much longer.