Spring Cleaning

February 1, 2015
I have been in a weird place the last couple days...there's really no other way to explain it.  I put on make up the other day, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it...I don't see the point in it, I cry it all off within hours anyway, it was literally only the third time I've bothered to put it on since it happened...but I miss not looking like a hot mess all the time...it's weird, the things that this has messed with.  I started my spring cleaning craze today.  Those who know me best know that I am just not a messy person...I am almost neurotically neat actually...but I haven't really "cleaned" since it happened, so today was weird.  I organized the bathroom and put things away, her shampoo is now in the cupboard on the shelf with the "this isn't gone but I don't dare throw it out quite yet" stuff.  I cleaned out the medicine box...there's baby orajel and hylands tiny cold tabs and zarbees all natural baby cough syrup...I didn't throw them out...not ready yet.  And the weirdest part is that I caught myself thinking, "what if she needs these someday?" and immediately after I felt that awful nasious feeling that comes with the realization that...really I"m just being a crazy hoarder cuz she's not going to need any of it ever again.  That sucks, that feeling.  It sneaks up on me almost hourly, but it still sucks.  I reorganized our shoe box, and left her shoes there...I seriously don't think I will ever take her shoes out.  I cleaned off my kitchen table and found the thank you cards that I haven't sent....and to those who I owe a thank you card to I'm sorry...the gratitude is there, but I just don't have the "oomph" to do the cards, I honestly don't know if they will ever actually get done.  Just please know that we really do appreciate everyone who donated and brought dinners and was just there for a support or sent cards, I think of you all every day.  I haven't been on social media much the last couple days, I find that the more time I spend on Facebook the harder the day gets...partly because I've joined so many groups that my newsfeed is full of quotes and stuff about child loss and partly because once I get online I spend hours without even realizing it.

Took coffee up to the house Saturday...that was really hard.  I kept watching the clock wanting to spend time but also wanting to get the hell out of there.  Nothing mirrors the feeling of standing in the place where you got "the call." It's awful.  But I did it, and I'm proud of myself.  It was nice to get to see my friends and break up the sad morning routine that I've I guess become accustomed to.

I bought baby outfits the other day.  I just love baby clothes.  Looking through like the 18-24 month stuff gets me, but tiny baby stuff is just exciting! I LOVE IT!  I really wish that people would realize that that isn't the age that bothers me.  There really isn't an age that bothers me, but the ones around Khy's age definetly make my heart skip a beat.  It always makes me wonder what she'd look like or what words she'd have or...any of that...milestones...etc.

Here's hoping that this week feels a little less dark...