I Wonder -or- I'm Sorry Snugglebug

I wonder if your hair would have grown back curly like it was, or straight.
I wonder if bananas would still be your favorite food
I wonder if you would have moved past Minnie Mouse
I wonder if you even like the color purple...I mean, we used it to tell you and sissy's stuff apart, but did you really like it?
I wonder if you'd still be my snugglebug...or if you, like your sister, would have to be pleaded with for cuddles
I wonder if you would be easier to potty train than Khaily was
I wonder if you would actually stay in your bed now
I wonder if your eyes would have changed color again or not
I wonder who your little friends would be
I wonder if you'd still be obsessed with clothes
I wonder if you would still love bath time, or if it would be a fight to the finish
I wonder if you'd be my little "helper" around the house
I wonder what kind of ice cream you would like

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I wonder if you know how much I miss you, or if you even notice the distance
I wonder if you understand how much our life has changed without you
I wonder if my daydreams are really your reality
I wonder if you're proud of us, for trying so hard to keep going, or if you just leave that part to God
I wonder if you miss us...even though I know that there's no pain where you are
I wonder what you do all day...are there toys in heaven? Are there buildings? Or is it just beautiful green grass and flowers and sunshine?  Do you sleep?  Where do you sleep?  Who takes care of you up there?
I wonder if you know...that if there had been anything that I could have done...I would have brought you back....I would have given my own heart to keep yours beating...
I wonder if you know that I didn't know...and if I had, you never would have gone to daycare that day
I wonder if you know how much you were loved, and how much you are loved


I hope you know...that I know I'm not the perfect mom...I lost my temper, and we went rounds, and I got frustrated with you and I let you cry it out some nights and I am SO sorry...but I did the best I could...and my biggest regret is not spending more time with you...I was so worried about the future that it never crossed my mind that you might not get one...I'm sorry snugglebug....I love you baby bear.
Love,
Mama