May 24...25, 2015
This week, these last 7 months really, have been awful...obviously. It seems like the universe is plotting my demise. This week though...has been one of the worst since. On top of already feeling helpless because I couldn't save her, like a horrible failure for not being able to function at my job that I loved, like a horrible mom for having to take the time off, starting a job I don't particularly enjoy, Khaily being late for school more days than not because I just couldn't get out of bed, falling behind on bills, losing contact with everyone who mattered, watching relationships dissolve left and right, losing my general give-a-damn about basically everything, an anxiety disorder I didn't want to have, countless doctors appointments to find meds and change meds to find a PRN that didn't suck that I didn't have to take with an antidepressant (because I refuse to take those, I am NOT depressed, I am SAD...SAD is an emotion related to a specific event, depressed is a chemical imbalance), the psychosomatic crap that has happened (thank you ptsd) since October, etc., etc., etc., on top of ALL that, now I can't even go see her when I want to. With the truck broken down, and the weather being what it has been, I have been out to see Khyri three times this week. Three. Out of a possible 7. I couldn't save her from daycare, I couldn't save her at the hospital, I couldn't wake her up at the funeral, I couldn't do ANYTHING. I FAILED HER. All I have left is to go. Every day. Go, clean off her headstone, make sure her trinkets stay clean, spread grass seed (did it today, hopefully it won't take too long to sprout, those empty dirt patches are depressing to look at) and let her know I'm still here. That's what I have. And now that's gone too, and I feel like I'm failing her again. Yes, I know that it can be fixed, yes I know that my visiting schedule will return to what it once was, but it's going to be a long time before that happens. And it's hard. It's hard to be stuck in this house, surrounded by her face and memories, and not be able to go there. To not be able to go anywhere to get away from the SAD. Its everywhere here. And my ability to GO was the last thing I had control of. I am a schedule oriented control freak. And I have no control right now...I don't like this :'(....I miss my truck....I miss my life...I miss my baby :'( :'( she left, and everything fell apart. My life, my family, my job, my relationships, my health, my sleep habits (it's 3AM, just sayin,) if she would just COME BACK...then everything would be perfect again :'( :'( :'(
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| Mothers Day 2013 |
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| Halloween 2013 |
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| Summer 2013 |
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| Easter 2014 |
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| Summer 2014 |
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