Sunshine


Sunny days seem to hurt the most.  It was sunny the day she was born, and it was sunny the day she left.  Sunny days are usually the days I find myself remembering the most.  I look at all her "spots" in the house and I can see her spinning in the living room, waving as she ran out of the living room, I can hear her footsteps in the hallway, see her on the jungle gym swing in the playroom...I miss her.  I wonder what she'd look like now, I wonder what she'd sound like and what she'd have to say.  I wonder if there was anything the doctors could have done but didn't try.  I wonder if ten more minutes would have  made a difference.  I wonder all these things, all the time.  I wonder if she knows how much I love her.  I wonder if she knows that she is SO missed.  New Years is approaching, and I'm more afraid of it than I was of Christmas...and Christmas was really really hard.  New Years means 2015...it means her birthday is a few short months away, it means that another year is starting and she won't see any of it...she saw March-December of 2013, January-October of 2014, but she won't see any of 2015...it's the first year since 2012 that I will start the year without her....the first year since 2011 that she won't be living...the first year without having her at all and it hurts SO bad.

Khaily has asked me a lot lately if she can call Jesus. She wants to call and tell him to bring her back.  She doesn't understand that Heaven doesn't have a phone.  She thinks that sissy is on vacation or something....I wish so badly that I had that kind of a mind.  I wish that I could see past my own heartache and think of the beautiful places she goes now and all the things that she does.  I really wanted to keep her.  I really wanted to do things and go beautiful places with her here.  She never even got to play in the snow.  She was too little last year.  We did do a lot of fun things...I remember last summer when we went to the pool at a hotel up the road from our apartment.  I remember going to see the baby bears at Blast Off when they were here earlier this year.  I remember the 4th of July parades, the fair in Wyoming, her birthday party, going to see the lights at Christmas. Huddling together on the couch at New Years.  And I don't get to do any of it anymore.  And on the days when the sun is out, and it's reflecting off the snow and making everything look so happy....I just get sad.  Because my sunshine was taken away.


FroYo at Orange Leaf with Jen and the boys

Bowling at the Lincoln County Fair with Daddy

On the rides at the fair...with her Duck Dynasty Si duck



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