Baby No. 3

NO this is not a pregnancy announcment, not even a little bit.

Last year right after Khy's birthday, which is coming up next month, me and Jason decided that after her birthday this year we were going to try for #3.  He's approaching 40, the kids would all be two years apart, and then we'd be done.  My inner turmoil this week, is that....Jason is still approaching 40, and now with Khy's absence the kids would be 5 years apart (not saying that Khy doesn't count, but part of the process was that Khaily and Khy were close enough in age to have fun together, but far enough to not drive us bonkers.)  We have discussed getting my Nexplanon removed and switching to a more "in my control" birth control...it's really a jumbled mess.

A common issue among grieving parents is that losing a child opens up this whole pandoras box of thoughts and fears and issues that, while always there, have never been a thought at the very front of the mind.  Now we are freakishly aware that babies die too, that not everything is garunteed, that sometimes even your most vigilant efforts to keep your kids safe aren't enough.  THere's a paranoia about losing another baby that those who haven't been here wouldn't understand.  THEN, there's the fear of Khyri thinking she's being replaced...now, religiously I know that there is no fear or envy or hard feelings in heaven, and realistically Khyri probably has already helped God handpick her little brother (we wish) and is just waiting for us to decide it's okay.  I'm not worried about feeling like I'm replacing her...because I would never in a million years try to replace her...she's my baby girl...she's my momma's girl...she is Khyri...and there can never in a million years be another Khyri. To replace something means to discard the old...and she can't be discarded.  Whether she's here or there she's still my daughter.  Uniquely perfect and beautiful and 100% all her own individual.  So that's not an issue.  I just worry about how she feels.  I know that if she was here she'd be SO excited, she LOVED babies.

I've heard both sides...I've talked to moms who said they wished they'd waited longer, and I have talked to moms who said that there was a certain kind of healing that came from having another tiny human to take care of.  I personally think it would be helpful to us more than harmful for reasons that I myself do not completely understand.  I would be overjoyed to have something to focus on instead of only being able to focus on the ache and despair of Khy not being here.

My fear is that, being in this state of sorrow and despair, that the stress would be too much.  BUT on the other hand, I take freakishly good care of myself when I'm pregnant, so maybe it'd be just the push I need to force myself to RELAX and start sleeping normally and eating right and so on and so forth.

This particular post---like my last few---really has no "moral" or profound meaning...sometimes it just helps to get the thoughts in black and white...and feedback from those who have been here would sure be helpful...I feel like we don't have a lot of time to wait, cuz 40 in men leads to a whole new miriad of genetic possibilities, including down syndrome, which honestly isn't an issue for me, I work with special needs and I know that I would love that baby as much as any other baby in the world, but...I'd rather not risk putting my child through that life...becuase, like I said...I work in it, I've seen it, I know how miserable they are sometimes and it breaks my heart :'(

Oh....the dilemma of not wanting to move forward, but wanting so much to happen.  What a tangled mess this whole thing is.