Motivation

I have none.  At all.  Anywhere.  Especially now.  I seriously think that time off work is the worst idea ever on the planet.  Nothing good can come from having nothing to do except sit here and think about...the whole situation.  I think about her constantly, which is fine with me, but when I have the time to actually just sit and be inside my own head with no external focal point, it's not just her...it's the water...it's the hospital...it's the funeral....it's getting her dressed....it's all of the memories from October 18th on, not just the ones from before.  It's horrible.  I have redecorated my house, I have cleaned until my fingers bled, I have tried to have "me" time (translation: I went and got my eyebrows waxed for the first time since, and just FYI, I do NOT recommend a 4 month break between waxes EvEr...OW) I have completely cleaned every crack and crevase of the blazer, anything to stay busy.  And it's not working.  I hate this so badly.  The worst part, is that I'm okay with it.  I'm okay with not having any motivation.  I stare at my keyfab to the gym all day long and I'm just like, "hm...that'd probably be a good idea...tomorrow..."  I fear that I have become complacent in my misery.  Like this is all I have left of her so I'm clinging to it for dear life.  Yes, I know how crazy that sounds.  No, you wouldn't understand if I tried to explain it differently.  It's a mess.  It's all a.damn.mess.