I have a lot on my mind today, on her ten week angelversary....
Last night me and Jason were talking, and I said some hateful things towards the person responsible for this nightmare...and he told me I was being evil...and at first I was mad, because how dare he tell me I'm in the wrong for feeling the way that I do? I am MAD. I am PISSED OFF every single day. She should have been watching her, she promised me that the kids were NEVER outside alone....and now my baby's gone....
But
In this conversation, after saying the mean things that I did, Jason informed me that he has (supposedly) talked to someone close to her recently, and that she cries all the time and is heartbroken because she knows that we trusted her with our most precious treasures, and she failed. Whether or not he said this to make me feel better is irrelevant. As hard as it is to think outside of myself, outside of my own pain and grief and heartache, sometimes I lose sight that this didn't just happen to us...it happened to her too. This does NOT excuse it and I will NEVER forgive her....but maybe I need to step outside of my selfish mean thoughts and realize that she has to live with this forever too. It's not the same for her, she still has all of her kids and her family is intact and she doesn't know what it is to be the mom without the child, to come home every day knowing someone is missing, to have a gaping open wound in her life that will never heal...but she has guilt, she has sorrow, she has the knowledge that this IS on her...and I'm sure that that is far worse than I can imagine...I'm sure that just like she can't understand my pain, I can't understand hers either...again, still furious, no excuse, and I absolutely think that something needs to come of this...but...my thinking mean things isn't going to do anything more than hurt me more than I'm already hurting...and I really don't need anymore weight on my heart.
I'm mad that she gets to see her kids every day and I don't, I'm mad that she couldn't take TEN SECONDS to usher the few kids she had that day inside before handling whatever was happening, I'm mad that she promised me over and over again that she never left them outside alone, and I'm going to be mad for a long time, probably on some level forever, because my little girl is GONE. But at least I don't have the guilt of being at fault. I have asked myself a million times, "why did I take them there?" "how could I NOT see this coming?" "why did I trust her?" "why didn't I just take her home with me that day to get the diapers?" but never have I had to ask "why did I leave her outside?" or "why didn't I just take them all in?" I could never handle having another mom's loss on my hands....so today I pray for her...as hard as it is...that somehow she can find peace in God....and that she can stay strong for her own kids...because just like Khaily still needs me, her kids still need her.
As much as I would like to wish her ill will, as much as I might say that I hope she hurts...I really don't want anything bad to happen to her, I'm just not that kind of person. Theres a difference between being held accountable, and being tormented...she should be held accountable, but I wouldnt want her to be tormented...regardless of what happened that day, Khyri loved her...Khyri loved everyone...and I know that she cared for my kids...doesn't excuse the negligence, but I know...and I hope that she knows that I know...but I'm still mad.
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