"Live with it."

It has been a very exhausting week.  With the six month angelversary looming a mere week away my emotions have been outrageous and the tears just won't quit.  Six months.  That's half of a year.  And most people think that six months is a long time, but it has flown by.  Fastest six months of my life.  Which, to some extent, makes me happy, because the faster time goes the faster I can get old and go be with Khyri...but at the same time, where there's no sense of time lapse, there's NO SENSE OF TIME LAPSE.  It still literally feels like it happened yesterday, and how I wish I had words to describe how agonizing that is....Bill Murray's got NOTHIN on this perpetual nightmare (Groundhog day reference, for those who didn't catch it.)

Today I have been thinking a lot about the term "new normal."  I have heard it a thousand different times, from a million different people, as though it is supposed to offer some kind of hope.  I'm sure that one day it might, but for now the concept is just flippin depressing.  I know that it's because I"m just not ready to be there yet, but still it's on my mind...so here's the rant:

In the beginning when I heard it, it blew my mind because I was under the impression that these people thought I was just going to be able to pick up where I left off so to speak, to find a happy place and feel the way I felt before...only without Khyri.  This annoyed me.  To no end.  Especially since a lot of these people have lost kids themselves.  The thought of accepting a new normal was cruel to me, it seemed like it meant betraying Khyri and just going on with life and accepting that she's gone and life rolls on.

I have come to the conclusion though, that a new normal doesn't necessarily mean any kind of resemblence of the old normal.  I think, and some might not agree, that the new normal is coming to grips with the fact (note: I did NOT say "accept"....I hate that word with a passion...) that I am going to be sad...forever.  That there will be someone missing...forever.  That I'm going to cry over everything, and be a paranoid basketcase...forever...and that's just the way it will be...thus, the new normal.  The old normal was a happy place, where my family was complete, and we smiled and laughed and spent time with eachother, where driving past the park was an opportunity for fun, not a painful reminder of days that will never be again.  Where we could go for ice cream and have it be an exciting family activity, instead of going to a drive thru and not making eye contact with the cashier.  The new normal is a world of fear, and tears, and a sad undertone in every single thing we do.  Forever.  I have not reached what I would call "a new normal" yet...but for now, I imagine that this is kind of what it looks like...and that's sad....I sincerely hope that I am wrong.  I hope that a new normal looks more like, thinking of her constantly, crying often but less than I do now, and learning to live with the loss instead of living in the loss...

"Live with it."  I remember hearing this as a kid after not getting my way.  Kind of a way of saying, "You dont have to accept it, and you don't have to like it, but it is what it is and you have no choice."  Ugh.  I don't like not getting my way.  I think it will probably be a very, very, very, very long time before I can "live with it."  I will never "accept" it, ever.  I will always think of a million ways around it, a million ways it could have been prevented, I will always be just a little bit upset with God for not doing anything about it despite my screaming at my windshield on the way to the hospital, but eventually I know the day will come when I will simply have to "live with it."  That day, is not today.

I hope that in a few years I can look back at this entry and laugh at myself for being so negative and black and white, but...I really don't think I will.  I have talked to mom's who's kids have been gone for decades, and they still cry almost everyday.

The new normal....sucks.