I told myself before Christmas that she would be home for Christmas...and when Christmas came and went I resigned myself to the thought that if she didn't come home for her birthday then she really wasn't coming home. Well..her birthday was yesterday..my baby is still gone.
I had no intentions of doing anything for her birthday, as I was certain that I wouldn't be able to get out of bed at all. But I arranged with my brother last week to have her birthday dinner at his house, because before October we did family dinner there every Sunday, my kids, his kids, it was good times. I found the strength to make cupcakes, tear stained as they were, and spent way more than I should have on balloons...with no regret. I sat on my brothers deck for a long time...remembering how I sat there the night she left me searching the stars, desperately looking for a glimpse of her. We named stars for her as her birthday gift.
I reminisced on the day she was born, how I couldn't sleep the night before, how the excitement grew as we all got ready to head to the hospital. I remember when they held her up over the sheet and I saw her for the very first time...and she was prefect. She was pure love from the instant she took her first breath.
My baby would be two. But she will never be. She is still 19 prefect months. And that is unbearable to me. To have done a birthday for a birthday that wasn't a change in age...I pray none of you ever have to endure it. I know that had I not done anything I would have kicked myself later, but doing it was like vinegar in a papercut. I did it despite the agony because...it's her birthday. It's the day we got her, the day we were a full family, its still her birthday. It's a day I will never forget, and even though she's gone...I was so blessed to have her at all. Even if I had known then that I would be spending her second birthday in years, I would not have given her back. Never.
I love you khy khy. So.very.much.
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment