Blowing Kisses & Dandelion Wishes: 2014 Forever

It's been a while since I've written. There's been a ton going on and I just haven't had the "umph" or the time (or the give a dang frankly.) Sooo...I'll start with New Years.

New Years...well...it sucked. I thought that Christmas was bad, but the moment that the clock struck midnight and it dawned on me that my baby had officially left "last year" was probably the hardest moment since the funeral...I went to the cemetary at midnight...I shut my eyes at 11:59 and when I opened them at 12:01 the floodgates opened too. I know logically that the year changing doesn't mean she gets left behind, it's just a date...but it's the beginning of a year that she will never see. At least she saw most of 2014 and most of 2013. Which, I guess, is another reason it was so hard...she never saw a full calendar year. She missed January and February in 2013 cuz she wasn't born yet, and she missed November and December in 2014. It might not seem like a lot, but to me it's huge. I spend hours every day as I'm going about my business thinking about all the things she didn't and won't get to do, and seeing a full year from start to end is just another thing. This year, in two months, she would be two years old. She would have gotten to ride her first horse this summer (not alone obviously,) she would have finally finished getting her teeth, she would have gotten her own room...all these things that would have happened, but they won't. And it hurts. New Years morning I went out again, threw glitter and confetti all over (sorry caretakers) and took her some balloons....which I didn't see there tonight, it suddenly occurs to me.

Next on the list...Spencer...our dear puppy...

Jason got us Spencer a couple weeks after the funeral. I had asked him, "who do I snuggle now? Khaily won't let me. I have nothing small to cuddle with anymore." So...he got Spencer. Spence was an obnoxious, bouncy, noisy dog. He drove me crazy...but he was always in my lap when I cried. He slept on my feet as often as I allowed. He was always SO excited to see us after work. And Khaily adored him.

Spencer Raffetto....October 2, 2014- January 5, 2015. Because appearantly God thinks Im pretty bad a--. He had an internal bleed after an accident (wont go into details cuz it's really sad.)

Next...the move.
My parents have moved back to Idaho. Me, Khaily, and my brother went to Wyoming last weekend to help out. Good times...slick roads...TONS of stuff to do. This was actually before everything happened with Spence, but he is on my mind a lot today.

Aaaaaand...Bella.

I did not (and still am having a hard time with) want another dog. Not for a while at least. Khaily, being small and innocent and not having a full understanding of loss the way that we do, wanted another dog instantly. I told her no. The next day, I'm sitting at work and get a text from a friend who is looking for a home for an abused puppy...oi vey...I was all geared up to say no thanks, but then she said "this puppy needs Khaily...." ....so we have Bella now. She's a lab mutt but so lovey. Very timid because of her experience, and barely old enough to be away from momma dog, but she's a snuggler...so I'll adapt...but honestly, I just miss Spencer.

The sketch.

My dear friend found someone to do a sketch for me. Before Christmas she asked me to pick a photo. I haven't been able to. I did not know that this wonderful lady (idk if it's okay to share names, so I won't) had already started....and the end result is absolutely breathtaking...I actually told Jason last night that if all my other pictures disappeared I would be sad, but I'd be alright forever to just stare at this sketch. It's amazing. It is every bit of my baby girl. I often lay awake at night and think of how she looked when she was sleeping...and the artist captured it perfectly.

Photo catch up!