Change!

January 27, 2015
Ok so today I've been thinking about the "triggers."  The little things that are total tailspins, and the crazy things that I've changed to avoid those tailspins...because frankly, they SUCK.  The days where it hits like a ton of bricks are painful, but when the little things pop out it's a whole different story.  I thought that I would share some of the changes I've made in this "new normal"...some of them are weird, but hopefully another mama will feel less alone after reading my list.

Everything has changed, and really the last thing I want is MORE change, but with this huge change I have found that there have to be smaller changes to even get through the day, so here are some of mine.

The cemetery is right up the road from my work.  I make it a point to drive through in the morning and blow her a kiss, because when I stop and actually get out of the truck I'm usually late getting to my job because I don't want to leave.  I stop on the way home, when I can be there as long as I want.

I changed Khailys shampoo.  The girls used Aussie Kids' wacky watermelon, and the smell kills me.  Sometimes I'll put some (I still have what was left) in the palm of my hand, just a tiny bit, so that I can smell it when I want to.

I changed my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash.  Smells in general are really a big thing...think about how many times you have gone somewhere and caught the slightest scent that brought back a million memories...that is my whole life now.  I went and bought Marshmallow Pumpkin Comfort body care line from B&BW like two weeks before it happened...it was my favorite smell and I used it every day...including THE day...I put some on yesterday and laid down in bed and cried for what felt like the whole day...I wasn't even thinking about it, I was just like, "oh i haven't worn this one in a while"...and there it was.  Awfulllll....so I switched body sprays too.

Rooms.  We haven't slept in our bedroom since I had surgery 4 days after the funeral.  We live on an air mattress in the living room now.  It is hard for me to be in my room without her in the next room.  I always stare at the wall remembering how it sounded to hear her call for me.

Daily routine.  I have always been a morning shower person.  It's refreshing and helps you wake up.  The last morning I showered was the "f" day.  I am a total pre-bed shower now.  I have found that the more changes I can make to my schedule, the less it feels like the world is just moving on like nothing happened.  Everything happened.  Everything's different.  And it's nice to feel that way sometimes...like everything changed when she left, because it makes my world match my emotions.  Schedule changes are crazy and chaotic and take a long time to adapt to, and internally that's a huge thing for me right now.

Laundry soap, hand soap, dryer sheets....my sister used the last of my "normal" smelling stuff when she washed all Khy's clothes...and I don't want anything except her clothes to smell that way anymore....HA more smells look at that....

Furniture.  I finally rearranged my living room the other day.  It was awful and I bawled my eyes out, but now it's comfortable.  It helped me to see that the memories are NOT the locations.  The memories aren't going to disappear if things get moved around.  Someone please remind me of this in a few months when we leave this house, because I already know how hard that's going to be.

I change things not because I want to forget her or avoid any of the things that I know I have to deal with, I change things because I have felt since the day it happened that the whole world needed to recognize the chaos.  I feel like moving and changing everything validates the chaos in my soul.  EVERYTHING is different.  It's my own way of acknowledging that everything has changed, and while I can't make the whole world recognize the change, I can make myself feel better by making the things around me match the tornado inside me.

My coffee.  Every day in October I got a peppermint white mocha.  Every day. And every day for a week after the "f" I would get up, go get a peppermint white mocha, and go to the cemetery.  It was my morning routine.  That memory is tied to that now.  It was "my drink" when things were normal.   Now I drink chocolate caramel or white chocolate raspberry. Or regular French vanilla.

My HAIR.  Yes, my hair.  I was feeling desperate for control after Christmas.  I dyed my hair purple.  Yes, purple.  Partially because it was her color, and partially because I wanted a drastic change.  Mission accomplished.  It's back to dark brown now, two weeks of minion purple hair was plenty.

There are a million other things that have changed.  I hate change.  I have had enough change in the last three months to last me a lifetime.  But it's comforting to have the outside world match my inside world.