The Power of the 5 Senses

I remember the way the house felt that week, and for several months after, and even sometimes now it comes back, this heavy, ugly, scary feeling, where the walls close in and nothing feels right. In October, my house smelled of pumpkin spice and mulled cider everything...scentsy, body spray, candles, all of it. It was my favorite smell. Bath and body works fall line has a scent called Pumpkin Marshmallow Comfort...i had it all, spray, lotion, body wash, body mousse...now its in a box, because the last time I wore it, I had literally sprayed myself down just a couple hours before I got the message, and now even the thought of that smell brings me to tears. Even tho the smell itself has done nothing to me, I find that nothing beings back a memory like a smell. Right now, despite the fact that breathing is a chore and our air quality has been deemed "hazardous," I am so glad that I can't smell the air...that crisp, Idaho morning chill almost-fall smell in the morning air is going to be my downfall this year. I am not excited for it, which is sad, because fall used to be my favorite...like pumpkin spice, Christmas, and the first snowfall. And then this big, scary thing happened. And now I'm thankful for sinus infections and polluted air. Who would ever think? I remember how unreal I it all felt... The n night after it happened I actually sat in the living room with two of my friends and talked about things that happened years ago...i even laughed that night... But I think it was the next morning that it ask must have hit, when I had to go pick the flowers and meet with the director, because that was the last time I laughed for a long time. I remember being numb, and crying all the time because I didn't know what else to do, I couldn't sort my emotions and I was still in shock so I just cried... All the time... For a really really long time... The tv didn't get turned on once... Not one single time until probably three days after the funeral...i listened to music... Trying to decide what to play at the funeral, and then not being able to listen to anything else for weeks after because it tied me to her... And now I can't listen to it at all cuz it takes me back to that week. I remember the air on my face at the cemetery when we picked her spot, but I don't remember feeling cold, I remember her feeling cold.... And now every time my skin gets cold to the touch it makes my eyes water...i remember not wanting to eat... My mother in law brought is food one night from...olive garden? Maybe? I don't remember, but she brought me soup, and begged me to at least drink a little, and I tried, but I couldn't taste anything. I hate nights like tonight... The nights that are like that week... Can't sleep, can't eat, there's a bite in the air, and all I can do is cry. We are past the ten month mark, into the double digits, which means October is coming, and I'm stuck in a rut because I can't stop it, and I know that as bad as tonight is, that entire month is going to be worse...starting September 20th, the first time they went to daycare, I am terrified of the next couple months, grief is such an ugly, unpredictable thing...

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