April 30, 2015 2ish AM
This story is more about my bed than that actual date.
During the week of funeral prep I spent a lot of time in my room. Not as much as one would think, I actually didn't more time out of the house, meeting with florists and hospital personnel and the pastor and I spent a lot of time at the funeral home with khy, but at night after the chaos of the day was finished I would crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep, our I'd sleep in the living room on the couch. I remember the first night, going to bed without her... It was really the next morning I guess, around five or so...i remember the split second when I woke up before I remembered, and I remember laying here for hours after just sobbing before we had to go meet the hospital lady to get her hand and foot moulds done. I remember sitting on my bed going through pictures for the service, writing the letter that I put next to her to be read to her by the angels... The letter where I promised her that mommy would be okay, that I wouldn't give up, that I would take care of daddy and sissy and everything was going to be okay and she didn't need to worry about us. I remember my little sister bringing me the photo frame for an eight by ten, I defender crying into her shoulder, and then she went and got pizza for everyone coming and going...i know she was hoping that I would eat, but I couldn't. I remember laying here the morning of the funeral, forty five minutes after my alarm went off, trying to quit crying so I could shower and get ready. And the next four days, I remember nothing. Not a single thing. I don't know if I even slept at all those four days. I know I read Heaven Is For Real cover to cover the day after the funeral, I remember my morning coffee routine...7am peppermint white mocha and a single red rose to the cemetery. I do demerger though, the night of the 28th. April came over, we had pizza and twisted tea, or Smirnoff, I don't remember... My stomach hurt...a lot...i decided to try to sleep it off. I woke up at three in the morning worth pain that made me want to throw up. It was awful.
I went to the hospital. I sat outside and freaked out. I never wanted to be there again. I knew that I was going to have to see the room and feel everything all over again, it had only been ten days since I was there last... Ten days since my baby died...i went in, they started blood work , did a scan, and I had a panic attack. One of the doctors that was workin on khyri was there, and I asked him, I said, "are your absolutely positive you guys did everything you could do? There was no way to save her?" And he told me he promised of there was anything else they could have done they would have. They came in and told me I needed emergency surgery to get my appendix out.
that was the last night we slept in our room. Not sure why, but after that night it suddenly felt to normal to be in here.
fast forward two weeks. I go in for my post op follow up. The doctor tells me to sit down, and explains to me that, there was cancer in my appendix. He said I was incredibly lucky that it was growing at such a slow rate and hasn't gotten anywhere near my colon. They had gotten it all and I was cancer free. He tried to make a joke, saying I was cured before I was diagnosed, since they didn't find the cancer til after the surgery. I didn't think it was very funny. My grandpa died from colon cancer. That shiz scares me.
now in our family we have all been told we need to get screened much sooner than the average bear, as two of my uncles and an aunt have both been diagnosed with colon cancer in the last year. So very scary.
anyway. Haven't slept in our bed in six months. Tonight, I finished a book that I stayed in January called Surviving The Loss of a. Child. I don't remember exactly what it was that u read, but after I finished the book I came into our room, put fresh sheets on the bed, moved it to a different wall, and made the bed.
I am blogging from my bed, for the first time since I started this blog. Only those who have been here understand what a huge step this really is.
in the last month or so that khy was here, she had been teething...canines, even... The worst. She'd wake up in the night crying, and once e decided she was actually awake and not just fussing, Jason would go get her and she would come lay with me til she fell asleep, and instead of taking her back to bed I would just keep her. This is an unheard of thing in our house. My kids always slept in their own room. Khaily I think had slept with me maybe a handful of times her whole life, not because I won't let her, because when she had bad dreams or whatever I'm not going to send her away obviously, but just because it's normal for her to sleep alone, so its never been a "thing" really with her. Khy spent a lot more time in bed with me just because she was breastfed, khaily wasn't. But... To be laying here without hearing those middle of the night cries.. Is rough. Moving the bed helped I think, but my heart still feels like it's going to jump out of my chest and into the disposal.
it's insane how this has taken over literally every. Single. Aspect. Of my life.
but on the flip side...i feel oddly comforted to be back in the bed where I snuggled her yup sleep just two nights before it happened...
Mommy misses you Khy... So very very much...💔
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