January 27, 2015
Things are getting different. Not better. Never better. Never the same. Never back to "normal." Most days are actually harder, now that the initial shock is starting to wear and the finality is setting in. Different. I ache for you to be here with quiet desperation. It hurts my heart when I have those flashing painful moments when reality sets in and I realize that you really aren't coming back. My mind prefers to believe that you are here, but that you learned a cool new magic trick and can't figure out how to shut it off. I feel you all around me most days. I see you in your carseat rocking out when certain songs come on the radio. I hear your seahorse when Khaily's game play similar toons. I know it's you who always hides Daddy's hat. Some things will never change I guess. Today I woke up hurting. Remembering how I used to get you out of your pack n play in the morning and bring you into our bed to wake up Daddy, because it always woke him up in a good mood...not that he didn't today, it was just on my mind. I miss seeing you burrow yourself into our blankets. You were so cute trying to run ur little legs across the pillowtop mattress. I remembered how you always had a blankey, any blankey, with you. My little Linus baby. Nothing is the same without you. Everything hurts all the time. I wondered often in the earlier days what it was going to be like to have to go back to life without you...this is it. It's awful. I never wanted to "get used" to having a piece of me gone, but it's happening and Im not ready. I'm not ready to live with the ache as a part of me. I want it to stop, to wake up and have you here. But I get up, every day, like I promised you I would. I do what needs to be done, always aware that my chest hurts. I watch the families in the stores with their kids. I can always spot the ones around your age, and when I ask the parents how old, I'm usually pretty close to right. I wrote you a letter and sent it with you, I hope that someone has read it to you. I promised you that I would be okay, and I told you not to worry about me. I meant it. I will be ok. I don't know when or how, but as this pain becomes more a part of me I will learn how to be okay, just as I have learned how to make it through a full work day, how to politely smile at the mom's at sissy's school, how to talk about you and hold the tears til I can let them out alone. I just can't believe this is real. I look at the pictures, and I watch the videos, I hold your toys and I fold your clothes, and I can't believe it's real. I KNOW that it's real because everything has changed. Everything. THere's a density to the air in our home that was never here before. There's a sadness every time your dad hugs me, and a new paranoia every time I hold your sister. I just MISS YOU. When there are no other words, those are the ones I use. "I MISS HER." Because it says everything. I hope that you are proud. I hope that you know that I am trying my very best to be strong. I am trying. I love you so much more than I ever had time to show you. I have never felt so out of place on Earth as I do now. I see a quote all the time that says, "we are not humans having spiritual experiences, we are spiritual beings having human experiences." And I gotta say...human is hard. Human is SO hard. Emotions and worries and fears and doubts and unanswered questions and "reality" and "death" and all of it is just SO HARD. I know that if you were here right now you would climb up on the bed and give me a hug, and pat my back, and look at me with those big eyes full of concern because crying wasn't your favorite thing...so I will try to make it stop...and I will try to get some rest...and I hope that I see you in my dreams...because I.Miss.You.
I love you to Heaven and beyond
Mommy
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