Things

I've noticed that the wierdest things make me want to cry...make the ache a little stronger...make my breath catch.  All the way down to whats in the pantry.  There are muffins that I bought shortly before it happened that I can't make...because I bought them for a quick breakfast that the kids could eat in the car...my birthday cake mix is still there, because my birthday was the day before her funeral and I can't bring myself to bake it...because it was meant for a happy day that ended up being so very sad...I haven't made an actual "meal" since it happened, because me and the girls used to eat together at the table every night (Jason doesn't get off work til late)...these little things are SO hard...there used to be a box fan in my window, but it fell and broke, and Khy started using it as her own personal trampoline.  I had to put this up to put up the Christmas tree, and I had to take a picture of it before I did.

I've referenced before a conversation my sister and I had about how she doesn't die all at once, but over time as little things start to change...the box fan was one of those things.  Holidays passing without her are some of those things.  Her smell fading out of her blanket is one of those things...even the last time I mopped the kitchen floor, erasing the last imprints of her little feet, was one of those things.  Today is a day when my heart hurts badly, as I think of all these "things."  Every day my little girl gets a little farther away, and as hard as I try to think of it as me getting closer, it's just not that easy.  Today is 11 weeks since her funeral.  77 days since I saw my baby's face.  Tomorrow is 10 weeks she's been gone...since I held her, or heard her voice...since I got hugs or kisses....since our family was whole...and it's all just hard.