When Noise Won't Do It

January 15, 2015
The most emotional things have always made me sob...screaming into a pillow, bawling uncontrollably, SOB.  I always thought during those times that that was the worst I could feel.  I sob over Khyri every once in a while...when it gets more overwhelming than usual, when the words just won't come, when the build up of emotions gets to be just a bit too much...I sob into her blankie, into my stuffed dog that the hospital staff gave me, into her ducky...and some nights, like tonight, I wish that I could.  I have found that the very worst most painful kind of crying is the crying you have to practice to get good at.  The crying without making a sound.  I have unfortunately mastered this.  I reserve it for the times when I can't hold it in and Khaily is near.  It happens in the car, or at night when we are all settling down.  It happens in the store, or when I'm dropping Khaily off at school.  It upsets her when I cry.  So I cry quietly.  Under the cover of darkness or sunglasses.  On top of being the "hidden" kind of cry, it's also the cry that comes when I look at pictures or watch videos, when I'm at her sleeping place or a song comes on the radio.  It's the tears that sneak up, when I feel the burn in my eyes and then all of a sudden my face and shirt are soaked with tears that I didn't mean to fall.  It's a cry that isn't intended to make a point or to be seen or heard.  It's the tears that sneak out of a momma's broken heart, creep up her throat, and slip out of her eyes.   It's a horrible sad cry.  When noise just won't do justice for the ache.